Complaining becomes so natural to us that we don't even notice when we do it. For many people, it may be easier to communicate through things they do not like than to communicate through things they like.
For example, you meet a new friend and complain in front of him about the cold weather or that you do not like wearing high-waisted jeans, which may make you complain. However, complaining has long-term mental, emotional, and physical effects, and it simply isn't worth it.
Let's face it: Complaining rarely solves anything, but the question is: How to get rid of this habit?
The process begins with understanding the deep, automatic emotions we have developed long before we become aware of them. Then, you shift your mindset to a more positive one, understanding that getting rid of habits requires time, patience, and commitment. Are you ready to get started?
1. Understand why you feel the need to complain
Complaining is a coping mechanism, and the first step to replacing this unhealthy mechanism with a healthy one is to identify when and why it appears.
For example, a stressed employee may complain to relieve nervous pressure, and a struggling student may complain because he does not know how to solve the problem he faces.
However, coping mechanisms can also be acquired behavior, as some people deal in this way because they grew up in a family of complainers, so complaining becomes part of the person’s nature.
To identify the essence of your coping mechanism, you must confront yourself every time you complain. Here are some questions you should ask yourself:
- How do I feel now?
- Is it true to complain about this?
- What can I do to solve the problem I'm complaining about?
- Is there anyone who can support me in solving this problem?
- Do you complain about this problem frequently, or is it a one-time occurrence?
Be careful when confronting yourself. This is not the time for judgment or negative self-talk. Once you identify the source from which your coping mechanism arose, you can begin to undo the automatic reactions of complaining and learn how to respond to achieve a goal with a clear vision.
2. Find a space to express your feelings in a healthy way
Ridding yourself of complaining behavior doesn't mean you have to be constantly positive and cheerful; this is because developing this process takes time and requires patience. If you expect too much in too short a time, you'll likely end up more frustrated and complaining.
Therefore, you must find a space to vent after the negative feelings pass, as this is a way to express frustration without the automatic negative emotions that fuel complaining behavior.
Let's say one of your co-workers has a bad habit of interrupting you during meetings. You may give him a few sideways glances, but he doesn't get the hint. This makes you feel more upset in each meeting.
That's why you complain to another co-worker after each one of those meetings, and you end up making extra jabs about the messy state of his desk and other negative comments. You will then feel worse, a little guilty, and that you have not solved the problem of him interrupting you.
Imagine what would happen if you gave yourself 10 or 20 minutes to calm down before talking to that coworker or even before talking to the person who interrupts you.
Imagine if you said, “Hi Laura, I'm having trouble in meetings because I don't feel like I can complete a thought before someone interrupts me. What do you suggest?” My thoughts too": Even if you don't get the solution you hoped for, you will have eliminated the nagging behavior and avoided negative gossip that you may not have intended.
3. Know the effect this has on you
The most important aspect of complaining behavior is understanding that you are the party that feels the most pain. It is true that this behavior may make you feel better at the moment, but the consequences of this negative talk are dire.
Science has proven that complaining causes the release of stress hormones in the brains of both the listener and the speaker. These hormones can lead to cognitive decline and problems with the cardiovascular and digestive systems.
Complaining makes us feel bad on an emotional level, not only because we are unable to solve the problem by complaining but also because we prolong the time we spend with negative thoughts. In other words, we steal happiness from ourselves without finding a solution to the problem. However, you can still choose to change your perspective at any moment.
4. Pretend to be happy
That's right, you don't have to feel happy to trigger feelings of happiness. Science has proven that by simulating feelings of happiness, you can change your emotional response. This is known as the "facial feedback hypothesis."
To reinforce this idea, psychologist and Yale University doctor Sigal Barsade conducted a study in which he found that happiness is contagious. When a positive person enters the room, the positivity of the entire group increases, and work performance improves as well.
So, next time you feel like you're about to complain, force your face to turn into a happy face no matter how weird it feels, lean into the impact of saying something positive to the first person you see, and write down how you feel a few minutes later.
5. Challenge yourself
Make it a new challenge not to complain, and ask a friend or co-worker to join you to increase accountability. Also, remember that this is not the time to punish ourselves when we fall short. If you can't spend a day or even an hour, remind yourself that this habit has been ingrained within you for years, so change takes time.
It is important to recognize nagging behavior when it occurs, identify the source of the coping mechanism, and then shift your mind (and face) to a more positive outlook. So, keep a daily diary while you take on this challenge and write down your daily thoughts and feelings.
With each passing day, you will practice abandoning complaining behavior and becoming a positive person who lifts up those around you before even realizing it.
Add comment