The Comparison Trap: How It Affects Your Mental Health

It's human nature to compare ourselves to others. We're conditioned from childhood to measure our worth based on external factors: "How do my grades stack up against other students’? How does my bike compare to that kid's?" The list goes on: clothes, homes, athletic abilities, bodies, relationships, finances.

Comparison is at the root of much of our competition: Who’s the best at this? Who will win? Who can do this faster? So, it’s no surprise that we often find ourselves trapped in the comparison cycle.

The Social Comparison Theory

Social Comparison Theory, proposed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954, suggests that people compare themselves to others to evaluate themselves in social situations.

This comparison can be upward—when we compare ourselves to someone "doing better"—or downward—when we compare ourselves to someone "doing worse." Or, we can compare ourselves to people who are on the same level as us.

We compare for different reasons. Sometimes, it motivates and challenges us. However, not all comparisons are healthy. Comparison has become a lifestyle in our hyper-connected world, where everyone’s highlight reels are just a click away.

Continuous comparison makes us hold ourselves to unjust standards and irrational expectations. We might overlook our unique strengths, talents, and achievements, which can cause anxiety, self-doubt, and feelings of inadequacy. It's like running a race we can never win, leaving us exhausted and drained.

What is Social Comparison?

Social comparison is a natural behavioural strategy where we seek to understand our circumstances—our abilities, opinions, and emotional reactions—by comparing ourselves to others. It can be helpful, offering us a way to gauge if we're "on the right track." But it can also be harmful, leading to negative thoughts and emotions.

Social comparisons can set us up for failure instead of providing a realistic and achievable benchmark. We compare ourselves to unrealistic standards, developing low self-esteem.

Social comparisons can be upward or downward. When we engage in upward social comparison, we compare ourselves to someone better. On the other hand, downside social comparison involves comparing ourselves to someone worse. The direction of comparison doesn’t guarantee the direction of the outcome; both types can lead to positive or negative effects.

It is hardly surprising that our natural tendency is for upward comparison. Most of us compare ourselves to those who seem better than us. This might inspire you at times, but not always. Here are some examples of when upward social comparison isn’t productive and can lead to negative behaviours:

1. When the person we're comparing to is significantly superior or very different from us, the comparison loses value.
2. We might exclude these individuals from our social groups or isolate ourselves.
3. We could hinder ourselves by comparing ourselves to someone who far exceeds us.
4. We might sabotage others to ensure they perform worse.
5. Feelings of inferiority may arise, reminding us of our lower status and leading to negative emotions like depression.

We’re likelier to engage in downward social comparisons when our sense of self and well-being are threatened. These comparisons can improve our mood and lead to certain advantageous outcomes, such as:

1. Increased self-esteem.
2. Positive emotions.
3. Reduced anxiety.

Everyone compares themselves to others, but some do it more frequently. Certain personality traits make individuals more prone to social comparison. Specifically, people with the following traits are more likely to compare:

1. Increased self-awareness in public and private life.
2. Higher empathy and sensitivity towards others.
3. Interest in others' feelings.
4. High narcissism.
5. Low self-esteem.
6. High neuroticism.

There is evidence that increased use of social media is linked to more negative feelings. This is because we engage in more upward social comparisons on social media than we do in real life, leading to feelings of inferiority and envy. This can result in:

1. Increased symptoms of depression.
2. Experiencing depressive states after three weeks.
3. Lowered self-esteem.
4. Body image issues.

There are better ways to boost your self-esteem than to try to achieve others' successes and feel proud of yourself. Instead, focus on being grateful for what you have accomplished and the ongoing opportunities to make progress.

The Impact of Unhealthy Comparisons on Your Mental Health

Comparing yourself to others unchecked can be detrimental to your mental health. Comparison erodes our self-confidence and self-worth, leading us to question our abilities, criticise our appearance, and doubt our life choices. This can ultimately spiral into depression and anxiety.

Moreover, constant comparison can hinder our ability to form genuine connections with others. Instead of celebrating someone else's success, we might be envious or spiteful, seeing their accomplishments or good looks as a threat. This creates a toxic cycle of isolation and loneliness, stealing our joy and satisfaction and missing out on real relationships.

Four Ways to Tone Down Unhealthy Comparisons

The following strategies can help avoid the trap of harmful comparisons, whether you're feeling angry, demoralised, nervous, or even melancholy as a result of the comparison game:

1. Focus on Your Strengths, Achievements, and Growth

It’s easy to get lost looking outward, but you deserve some time to appreciate yourself. Make a list of your strengths, accomplishments, and growth areas.

Reflecting on compliments you’ve received, messages you’ve gotten, or awards you’ve won can be helpful when making these lists. Reviewing these positive points can boost your self-confidence, making you less prone to the jealousy and insecurity that comparisons can cause.

2. Identify Triggers and Avoid Them

Several things can trigger our tendency to start unhelpful comparisons. Unsurprisingly, social media is a hotbed for these comparisons. According to a survey by the American Psychological Association, over 60% of adults in the U.S. report feeling stressed due to comparing themselves to others on social media.

You should immediately avoid using any apps that compel you to compare your relationships, home, or life to others. You may have a friend who frequently brags about material possessions, achievements, or trips.

Trying to be genuinely happy for others we tend to compare ourselves to can be helpful. If you’re close to someone who seems to deliberately make others feel bad or "less than them," reducing your time around that person might be a great first step.

3. Avoid Comparing Outside Information with Inside Information

You don’t really know what others are going through. One person shared, "There were several moments during therapy when I explained something that made me feel like the only person in the world thinking about or dealing with it. My therapist reassured me that I’d be shocked to know how many people—even those I see every day—are going through the same thing."

Try as much as possible not to let someone else’s standard be the benchmark for your own life. There’s a lot we don’t know about each other.

4. Capitalise on Healthy Comparison

A healthy comparison can be a great motivator. If someone in your life has achieved something you admire, consider asking them questions that might help you do the same.

Another way to keep comparisons healthy or mitigate their unhealthiness is to compliment and appreciate those you might feel jealous of. Ruthie Lindsey says, "If you see something beautiful in someone, speak it."

This reduces the negative emotions that often accompany unhealthy comparisons. You might find that complimenting others opens the door to deeper connections, reduces feelings of envy and insecurity, and actually boosts your own self-confidence.

When Comparison Becomes Unproductive

Comparison can be helpful in certain situations. It can alert us to something wrong with our bodies or if we're unwell, and it can serve as a useful compass for setting and achieving goals. However, unproductive comparison patterns can quickly drain us.

Next time you feel envious for not having what someone else has, frustrated for struggling to achieve something that comes easily to others, or upset for not performing as well as someone else, refer back to this list to help break the cycle of unproductive comparisons.

Ultimately, try to remember that your performance, appearance, or any other external factors don’t define your value. You don’t need comparisons to know that you are valuable and worthy, just as you are now.

To Wrap Up

Constant comparisons can clearly compromise our mental health. We might improve our overall mental well-being and health if we can focus on appreciating our personal achievements and individual growth without constantly comparing ourselves to others.