Note: This article is taken from the blog of Nancy Colier, who discusses the reasons behind the exhaustion experienced by strong women.
More and more women are entering my office in a state of mental, physical, and emotional attrition; Many of the women I meet these days are not only responsible for household chores, their families, and their children; they also earn a large amount of money as the main breadwinners in the family. Women work indoors and outdoors 24 hours a day a week, never rest, and are overwhelmed with responsibility.
My client Sally runs her own business, through which she pays taxes. She is also responsible for her three children, their mental health, and their studies. As well as she is responsible for family holidays, food purchases, and many other things.
As for my client, Linda was pleased because her husband planned for the weekend, and when I asked her where they were going, she told me that she did not care. The mere fact that he planned for the weekend from beginning to end and that she did not have to propose, research, and organize all or some of it, made it a real holiday regardless of the destination. It was the first time you felt someone cared about her in years.
As civilized women, we were brought up to do everything, to be independent and responsible. Still, if the women I meet in my office represent it in any way, doing all this doesn't come without consequences.
When my friend Jane asked what she wanted for her birthday, she replied, “I want my husband to take care of something from start to finish, including realizing that it needs to be taken care of whatever it is.”
We do not expect women to have a strong will and to be able and motivated to do everything, but we also show our contempt for those women who dare to express their needs or want to be cared for. We are adjusted to judging ourselves as weak when we don't always want to be leaders.
In a recent session I had with a couple, Gillian, who had a responsibility to take care of her entire family, admitted that she wanted to be taken care of by someone and not always take charge.
Her husband then contemptuously called her a "little girl." He told her that while she claims that she wants an equal relationship and wishes to be independent, in her heart, she wants to get rid of responsibilities and be pampered by her husband, like any other woman.
It was hard to hear, but the saddest part was that she didn't feel angry; instead, she felt ashamed of her needs. This very successful and intelligent woman questioned her need and right to be cared for; she even wondered if her husband was right just because she wanted to be spoiled.
We erroneously imagined that strength and independence are not incompatible with caring for the person but completely compatible. We want and need to be cared for and be independent and strong. We need to be taken care of to maintain our strength and independence.
In one way or another, "independence" is just a myth. No one can be totally independent because people are social beings who succeed when they cooperate with others.
It is also important to realize that there are three forms of interest, for example: if your friend gives you a gift that you do not want or that is not the right size, you will probably feel interested, and maybe she loves you, and at the same time, you may also feel responsible for taking care of your friend, and making sure that she feels good about her gift; so also, you might consider giving her a gift.
You know that you are the focus of attention, which is a feeling that pleases you, and at the same time, this experience may not be enough to satisfy the part of you that wants to stop working completely; thus, the interest shown by your friend, may not satisfy your need to relax at the deeper level, which is very natural.
On the other hand, when one of my friends described the moment she started her massage therapist, she said, “At that moment, something inside me was very relieved, not just because someone is taking care of my body; it's because I have what I want without having to pretend that I want it. I don't need to care for anyone else during this process; it's just a moment of my own ”.
When it comes to caring, it's not one size fits all; because we have different parts inside of us that are affected by different experiences, you probably know you're being taken care of, yet you still want it. Taking care of your mind is not the same as taking care of your body or your soul, and this fact does not make you demanding or pampered; it is just a human being.
The most important part of caring for ourselves is knowing and appreciating our desire to be cared for while avoiding blaming and demeaning ourselves for this natural desire. We must also recognize that our need to be cared for can coexist peacefully with our desire to be strong and autonomous.
Ask yourselves, “When do I feel taken care of? And what exactly allows me to feel like I'm not taking responsibility? And what is it that I feel like for me? We must pay attention - without judging - to those who care for us. Once we feel we have been taken care of, we can take a breath, appreciate the experience, and feel good.
If there are ways that you can give yourself real attention, through your attention and curiosity, or through another form like going out in nature or meeting people or laughing or having fun or eating chocolate or whatever else, give yourself what you want. The desire to be cared for is real and integral to being human.
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