Note: This article is based on the work of the author "Marc Chernoff," in which he tells us about his experience in changing his ideas for the better.
Of course, being a positive person gives you more than feeling happy. The details of your current reality matter and make a difference, but in general, you won't have a good day if you're determined to tell yourself otherwise.
You may think you know that, but that is not all. Not only do the stories we tell ourselves change the way we feel, but also they actually change what we see, what we experience, and what we know to be true, and this is one of the main reasons why most people go through the same experience, but interpret it differently.
For example, each of us has a common experience with a different story that resonates in our minds, and this different story of ours - or our thoughts - constantly changes how we feel. So, each of us comes out of this experience feeling a little different than what just happened, and sometimes that slight difference can make a very big one.
So, if we want to think like each other and better understand reality, we have to make some effort.
Perspective is the key
The stories we tell ourselves narrow our perspective in a way. When we go through an experience with a story predetermining what life is like, that becomes all we see.
This phenomenon reminds me of an old anecdote in which a group of blind men touched an elephant for the first time to find out what it looked like. Each groping for a different part of the elephant's body, just one part, such as a leg, trunk, side, or tusk. The men compare their observations intently and quickly realize that they are completely different about what an elephant looks like.
Our vastly different past experiences make the same difference. Most of us have suffered great grief, others have lost loved ones to accidents or illnesses, and some of us have had some marital problems, been fired from dependent jobs, or been discriminated against because of gender or race. So, when we go through a new experience that triggers distinct memories of our painful stories from the past, that experience changes and narrows our perspective on the present.
When a negative past experience narrows our current perspective, it is often just a defense mechanism. Every day we face a certain level of uncertainty, but our innate human defense mechanisms do not like this idea. So, our minds try to compensate by filling in the information gaps by clinging to stories that we are already comfortable with, and we subconsciously try to understand better everything in the present with the help of old stories and past experiences. Although this approach sometimes works, other times, our old stories and past experiences aren't completely connected to the present moment. So, they hurt us instead of helping us in the end.
So, in this case, reframing comes into play. Over the past decade, Angel (my wife and co-author of the Marc and Angel blog) (marcandangel.com) and I have guided hundreds of course trainees through reframing tools proven to change our thoughts, broaden our perspectives, and shift our storylines in a positive direction. This helped make these trainees feel better, help them think better, and gradually put their lives and relationships back on track. Today I'd like to take a quick look at one of the paraphrasing tools in this article.
"The Story I Tell Myself" tool
Most misunderstandings in life can be avoided if we take the time to ask, “What else could this mean?” Although this question alone may help us to reformulate our thoughts and broaden our perspectives. The simple use of the phrase “the story I tell myself” as a prefix for anxious thoughts has no doubt added more 'manifestation moments' for trainees lately, and here's how this tool works.
The Story I Tell Myself can be applied to any difficult situation in life or any circumstance in which your anxious thoughts defeat you.
For example, maybe someone you love (husband, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc.) didn't call you on their lunch break even though they said they would, and you've been feeling upset because you clearly felt like you weren't a priority. When you find yourself thinking this way, use the phrase:
“The story I tell myself is that they didn't call me simply because I wasn't a high enough priority for them.” Then ask yourself:
- Can I be absolutely sure that this story is true?
- How do I feel and act when I say this to myself?
- What other possibility could make the ending of this story true?
Give yourself space to think about everything.
On a normal day, I bet your answer to Question #1 would be "No," and your answer to Question #2 would be "You don't feel very well" I hope Question #3 makes you say the following:
I don't know why they haven't called yet, but maybe:
- "Because they're so busy at work today that they barely got a lunch break."
- "Because they forgot to charge their phone last night, and the battery is dead."
- "Or there was a misunderstanding between us, and they were waiting for me to call," or other justifications.
Thinking differently
The “story I tell myself…” and the three related questions allow you to revisit and reframe troubling or confusing situations that arise in your daily life. From this point, you can debunk the stories you tell yourself unconsciously and check reality with a more objective mindset, ultimately allowing you to make better decisions about everything.
So, try using this tool to think differently, move away from the stories you tell yourself, go deeper into reality, and don't just look at the outward appearances. Rather, search and observe without presupposing.
Who knows what you will realize when you stop looking through a lens that is so narrowly based on half-truths, and when you start to see things more clearly. Perhaps, you will begin to see things you have never seen before, experience things you have never experienced before, learn many new lessons that you need to learn, and gradually become the person you always knew you could be.
In conclusion
I hope this article, at the very least, reminds you that positive thinking isn't about expecting the best to happen every time. It is about accepting what happens each time, being mindful, and making the best of it.
The way you think about things is what makes the difference. A little puppy may think that the people it lives with are its parents because they feed it, love it, provide it with a warm and dry home, and give it pampering and attention. A little cat may think that it is the mistress of the house in which it lives because the owners feed and love it. They provide it with a warm home, pet it and take care ofit . Thus, we find that the situation may be the same, but the thinking is different.
So, we make our life stories to a large extent with our thoughts. The reality we ultimately create is our daily thinking process, and when our daily thinking is right, our daily actions cannot be wrong in the long run.
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